Telling My Kids About My Cancer: Remembering the Moment

By Natalie Grubbs

Finding Out About My Cancer

Telling my kids about my cancer was a moment I'll never forget. My diagnosis came fast, and it came out of the blue. After months of testing to pinpoint the cause of a random elevated white blood count, I was diagnosed with Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia (ALL). ALL is so aggressive that it is fatal unless treatment begins immediately. Treatment often begins on the same day of diagnosis. It starts with a 4–6-week hospitalization to undergo chemotherapy. I was diagnosed over the phone by an oncologist I'd never met. She had already made arrangements for me to be admitted to the hospital later that afternoon. 

Photo by Andy Jung

At that point, I went into full mom mode. I had no time really to process my diagnosis. All my attention went to my two youngest children, who were 10 and 12 at the time. There were only a few hours for me to figure out how to tell them about both my illness and my month-long hospital stay. 

Telling the Kids

My husband and I were out running errands together when I got that phone call. The two of us went to a restaurant to take a moment to process and plan. We called my parents and asked my mom to meet us at the house to care for the kids while my husband took me to check into the hospital. My mom, husband, and I quickly discussed whether to use the word cancer when we told the kids. There was a fear that hearing that I have cancer might make the kids worry about me dying. The plan was just to tell the kids I was sick and needed to go to the hospital.

After lunch, we went to pick the kids up early from school. My daughter, who is now 11, journaled about what happened next, and she wanted to share how she and her brother found out about my diagnosis from her perspective: 

"I was 10 when my mom got diagnosed with cancer. I never got out of school early, so when I was called over the intercom I was really excited. it was awesome to get out of school early, so when I heard it was my name being called I rushed to get to the main entrance of my school as soon as possible. When I got there, I saw my mom and my dad. My dad looked like he was about to cry and my mom was talking to a teacher. I kind of stopped thinking that it was good news, but I was still excited to get out of school early.

We got into the car and my mom said we needed to have an emergency family meeting. At first, I thought my parents were getting a divorce which would explain why my dad looked like he was about to cry. Luckily, it was not divorce but it was NOT good news. My mom wanted to tell my brother and me when we got home, but she decided to tell us while we were in the car. She said that there was something wrong with her blood. My brother asked if it was cancer. It was quiet for about 2 minutes, then she said it was Leukemia, a form of cancer. She said she would need to go to the hospital immediately. I was sad but I held my tears in. I asked how long she would be at the hospital and she said four to six weeks. At that point, I was really struggling to keep in my tears, but I did."

During that 8-minute car ride, I heard my family begin to process what was happening. My husband wondered out loud who would do my daughter's hair, while my daughter voiced her concern about eating fast food every day. She wondered who would plan and prepare meals while I was gone. My son asked who would coordinate their play dates. 

Mom was already at our house by the time we got there. She immediately took over with them while I went to pack for the hospital. My daughter gave me a small stuffed animal to take with me for comfort, and my husband and I headed out. 

There is Help

Telling my kids about my cancer was one of the hardest things I've done. Even after years of working with kids as a counselor, I found myself second-guessing those very first decisions about talking to my own kids about such a scary thing. Even though we went into that initial conversation with a "plan", the conversation took a different path once the kids asked questions. All I could do was be honest with them. 

Since the initial conversation, I've tried to keep an open line of communication with my kids about my cancer. I am thankful for all the resources I found to help me with this difficult task. I wrote a blog post about some of the tips and sample scripts that were most helpful for me. One resource I highly recommend is the book A Tiny Boat at Sea by Izetta Smith. It gives a breakdown of how to talk to kids about cancer and how to help them process it throughout the treatment journey.

Natalie Grubbs is a clinical professor who teaches school counseling in Atlanta. She is the mother of an adult daughter and two middle schoolers. Natalie was diagnosed with Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia and Acute Myeloid Leukemia in March 2022 and October 2022, respectively. She underwent chemotherapy, radiation, and two stem cell transplants. Natalie is currently in remission and recovering. She's now looking forward to returning to work and enjoying her life with her husband, children, family, and friends.