The Diagnosis

In March of 2022, I began experiencing symptoms that I imagined were ‘pregnancy brain’.  The symptoms included trouble reading, writing, and speaking. A bit of a slur in my speech and stuttering. The experience was a little worse every day but it wasn’t until I stood in front of a classroom of students that I realized how much of a problem it actually was. I was teaching a Thai Massage class that I knew like the back of my hand but suddenly, all of my words were gone. I couldn’t speak. I thought that it must be the pregnancy brain, maybe combined with a little anxiety. I decided to try to read out of my workbook, but that made it even worse. In a last minute effort to show the students that I was not a fraud, I pulled out my mat and began taking volunteers for the lessons. Luckily, I recovered enough to make it through the class and was physically feeling normal. That night, I drove home full of embarrassment, and decided that maybe I was just overworked. From the comfort of my couch, I took myself to my favorite Doctor: Google. I looked into pregnancy brain, covid brain, and even let myself google “Brain tumor while pregnant.”

I was seventeen weeks pregnant when I checked myself into the Emergency Room the following day. I chose the box that said “Aphasia”, unsure if that was even what I had. Before I knew it, I was getting Neuro checks every few minutes, and I was being rushed back for an MRI. I felt that I was going to be out of there in no time with a big diagnosis of “hypochondria” or “anxiety”. Can you believe that I actually cried tears of joy when I found out that there was a huge bleeding mass on my brain sitting directly on my language center? Yes, I felt validated, for once. That validation felt great until I realized that they had no understanding of what it was or why, and very quickly that joy turned to fear. Will I be able to go back home to my one year old girl? Will my baby be okay? 

It took approximately two weeks and one craniotomy to be diagnosed with Glioblastoma, the most aggressive brain cancer. By the time I learned of my terminal diagnosis, I was exactly halfway through my healthy pregnancy. I was given a grim prognosis with treatment, and even worse if I didn’t begin treatment as soon as possible. I had to choose between my baby or treatment, but I couldn’t have both… that was the hardest decision of my life. For the love of my one year girl waiting for me at home, I made the decision to terminate my pregnancy. By the time I was able to schedule my appointment, I was twenty one weeks. I remember when I said to my husband, “Could you imagine if our state didn’t extend medical abortion to twenty four weeks? We would have to drive somewhere and have this done by strangers!” I imagined that sort of scenario of us driving across multiple states, while healing from brain surgery, and while also needing to prepare for treatment. I remember thinking of the ‘one in one thousand women’ who are diagnosed with cancer while pregnant. I had my abortion at twenty one weeks pregnant and had to be back to the cancer center the very next day to form my radiation mask.

Today, I am two years beyond my prognosis. I do not know how much longer that I may have but every day, I wake up grateful that I can have another day. Thankful for the treatments that have extended my life and for the doctors that helped guide me through this experience and for those before me that made my choice possible.