By Ashika Patel Balani, originally written Aug 6, 2019

A year ago, on August 3, 2018, I got news that made me gain a whole new appreciation for my family, my friends, my life. I was told the mysterious lump in my breast was in fact, cancer.

The most common question I get asked is `How did you know?’ Honestly, I didn’t. In fact it was so far from my mind. I wasn’t good about doing self-exams or even thinking about the idea that someone like me (which is a horrible reason) could get cancer. I mean, aside from all the desserts I ate I was a pretty healthy person (yes I am going to approach this with a little humor to make it a little easier to digest). So starts the story of how it all went down….

My husband and I were thinking about having another child but I mentioned to him that I still get some milk from my breast after 2 years of being done breastfeeding and I had this little lump that felt like a clogged duct (yes there will likely be a lot of weird boob talk in this post so it isn’t for the squeamish). Assuming it was just that I scheduled a meeting with my family medicine doctor to get checked. As you can see, there was ZERO thought of cancer being my reality. My doctor told me she didn’t think it was anything but for MY peace of mind she would have me go in for a mammogram. Something to note here, she was VERY confident it was nothing and she even told me to stop pressing on my breast or else the milk would never stop. All that aside I’m grateful she sent me in for that mammogram because if she hadn’t, I likely wouldn’t have gone until it was a much bigger problem.

I arrived that day to the mammogram, August 1, 2018, and first was the mammogram and then the ultrasound. During the ultrasound the tech then pulled in the doctor who started to perform the ultrasound herself and I started to get worried. Luckily my husband had the sixth sense to come with me that day because the next thing that happened was we got sent to ‘that room.’ Yes my friends, that part is just like what you see on TV where they send you to a private room to talk to you about the risks and probabilities (I know I probably watch a little too much Grey’s Anatomy). We still weren’t sure and so we did the biopsy later that day. Two days later I was told it was breast cancer. After many doctors visits, biopsies, scans, testing, IVF treatments, we finally landed on a plan with surgery + chemo + radiation. After surgery we found that I had a lump that was 3cm and it had spread to my lymph nodes. Lucky for me it ended at the lymph nodes. Yes, I said lucky. When you’re given the diagnosis of cancer your every prayer then goes to hoping that it hasn’t spread to other parts of the body outside the lymph nodes, luckily it hadn’t for me.

The hardest part for me was the thought that I could never carry my own child again. My only hope was to have a surrogate, while this is still a great option and a better one than many have, this one is very hard for me to still get through. I went through IVF to retrieve eggs before and after surgery, which was eventful (not!)! After my surgery I wasn’t even quite recovering and I remember army crawling onto the bed for my procedure because my right side still hurt from the surgery.

I went through months of chemo, a hospitalization for a staph infection, and radiation. I feel lucky because during this time I had a boat load of family that took care of me and my family. Whenever I asked myself why me, I reminded myself ‘It’s because you have the best family, friends, and co-workers around so get over it lady.’ Yep thats the kind of pep talk I gave myself on the regular. After almost 8 months of active treatment I was finally able to say ‘I AM CANCER FREE!’.

If you’ve read this far props to you and also thank you.

So now you’re probably thinking, why are you talking about this now? Or why are you sharing this so publicly?

To be honest I haven’t really tried to hide it. I’ve sent emails (basically newsletters) to a very long list of people I care about, wrote about it at work and shared it with people I don’t even know. In fact, the first time I cried about having cancer I was talking to a complete stranger (who handled it like a champ!). But now I feel like I have had time to breath a little and to finally write my story with the hope that maybe I can help someone like so many have helped me.

Going through health challenges aren’t easy no matter what it is. Whether it is conceiving a child, going through cancer treatment, or even dealing with mental health challenges. None of it should be swept under the rug. I wanted to share because I want people to understand that even though I’m done with active treatment, I’m still fighting to make sure I don’t have a recurrence. That means I take 11–13 pills a day depending on how I’m feeling and they come with side effects that I am constantly trying to overcome. From major hot flashes that keep me up at night to sometimes feeling a bit down after all the hormonal changes. Whether it is a family member, a co-worker, or a friend, don’t forget that everyone you know has something that is going on in their life and remember to take a moment and send a text, pay a visit, or simply call because it always makes a difference. As bad as my memory was during treatment I remember every person that texted me, called me, visited me, sent me a care package, sent me an email, the list goes on. It will be forever in my heart.

As hard as sharing this has been, not hiding something and releasing the tension on my mind has been some of the best therapy. If my family and I didn’t share this information outside our family I wouldn’t have had the amazing care team that I did, I would’ve settled for average treatment, and mostly I probably wouldn’t have been able to get out of this with a smile on my face. While I still occasionally think about the what if’s… what if it comes back… what if the treatment didn’t work… what if I never have a child again, I remind myself that no one did this to me. Cancer was just a part of my path in life and I am so fortunate to have the people I did in my life to help me drive forward and fight. I know this all sounds a bit overly optimistic but this is my chance to reflect on what I’ve learned from this experience. The experience totally sucked, chemo was rough, dealing with all the after effects sucks even more BUT my appreciation for my friends, family, and all those who helped me are greater than all of the hard times.

My hope with writing this is…

1. Share your hardships with people because we’re all human and being open can not just help others but can also help you. You won’t believe the number of people I’ve connected with that have had cancer or has had to use a surrogate. They have all helped me move on to the next phase of your life and see some of the brighter side to this really dark time.

2. I encourage you to donate to a cause close to you. My treatment wouldn’t be as great if it wasn’t for all the research that has happened to get us here. I’m grateful for all of you that already do this and I’ll be the first to say I probably didn’t do this enough. I definitely plan on changing that (and yes you should see my yearly birthday charity campaign on Facebook, where I’ll ask you to support my cause).

3. For the ladies in my life — please learn about self exams and how to test yourselves. Ask your gynecologist during your yearly exams to show you. It is important. 1 in 6 women will be diagnosed with breast cancer so lets make sure we do our mammograms on time and regularly test ourselves so we can find it early.

Lastly, I leave you with some things I felt were game changing when it came to my family and friends helping me:

1. Be open. Many reminded me why I was important in their life and the impact I made on them. It not just gave me the warm fuzzies but also kept me motivated to fight harder.

2. Be specific on how you can help. Whether it’s a dinner, babysitting, dog sitting, using a delivery service to deliver some groceries, or running a quick errand, pick one and volunteer.

3. Put a reminder on your calendar with their appointments or treatment days. Offer to go with them or just text them you’re thinking about them.

4. Be compassionate. I can’t tell you how many times people have said insensitive things and I know they’re not horrible people but after you’ve been asked how did you get it or what will you do one too many times, it starts to get to you and you start believing you did something to cause your cancer or that you have a big problem that isn’t solvable. By the way, NONE of those are true!

5. Park that ego at the door. Sometimes I didn’t feel like talking or texting back but it wasn’t because I didn’t care. Most of the time I just didn’t feel good enough or I was just having a bad day, and a lot of the time it was because I forgot. Chemo makes you feel like a 90 year old grandma when it comes to attacking your memory.

6. Empathy not sympathy. This is hard for many people but simple words like ‘I know you’ll beat this but this sucks and you don’t deserve it!’ are always great. Reach out to that person even if you haven’t talked in a long time or you had a quarrel. When you’re given a diagnosis of cancer you very quickly forget about how long its been since you talked or why you haven’t talked.

Ashika Patel Balani is a daughter, sister, wife, mother, cancer survivor, with hopes to be an inspiration to others. Ashika is a member of our Parent Advisory Board.