A scene like this might sound familiar to you. You are trying to checkout at the grocery store and your child looks up at you and asks “Why does daddy have cancer?”. Young children ask us some of the toughest questions when we least expect it! Often times it happens in an environment that is not conducive to answering their question, and also, many parents don’t know how to respond to questions that have very complex answers. 

Dr. Lauren Starnes is an expert in early childhood education and provides caregivers with an easy-to-follow guide on how to respond to big questions from little children. Below are four simple steps to facilitate a developmentally-appropriate and honest response to these questions you wish your child never had to ask. 

1. Acknowledge: verbally tell your child that you heard their question. It is extremely important that children are not shushed or ignored when asking difficult questions. A child must have an established level of trust to ask someone a big question. If they are shamed for asking the question, they may not know who to turn to when they have difficult questions in the future or lose trust in their parent or caregiver’s ability to be honest and responsive. 

- example: “I heard you ask me about your daddy’s cancer. I am going to finish paying for our groceries and then I will answer your question.”

2. Affirm: let your child know how grateful you are that they came to you to ask this question. It is truly an honor to be a trusted adult in a child’s life whom they feel comfortable learning from. Affirming them that it is okay that they asked the question and that you are glad they asked it will boost their confidence, increases their chances of coming to you again in the future, and diminish any shame or embarrassment surrounding the topic. 

- example: “Thank you for asking me.” or “It’s okay that we talk about it. I just need to pay for the groceries first.”

3. Ask Questions: when you are in an environment that you feel comfortable and able to answer your child’s question, the next step is to actually ask a question first before answering their question! Sometimes a child’s big question could be misinterpreted to need a full explanation. This can make the response more daunting for the adult and likely not necessary for the child. In the example provided, the child may be asking this question about their father’s cancer because they saw another adult with no hair, they saw medicine in the cart and are wondering who it is for, or they saw a picture of a father and child playing together on a magazine cover. Asking the child why or how this question arose can better help you as the adult to know how to respond. Finding out the intention or reason behind their question gives you the ability to answer their question correctly and more concisely. The child may not actually want an explanation as to why their dad has cancer, but perhaps, is actually wondering why their dad is bald like the other person they saw or when they will be able to play with their dad again like they saw on the magazine picture. 

- example: “Why did you ask me about your daddy’s cancer in the store?

4. Be Present: when responding to a child’s big questions take time to intentionally understand the root of your child’s question and provide room for follow-up questions. Conversations like these require patience and presence. Maintain connection with your child and ensure you are not doing anything else but sitting with them when listening and responding. 

We understand that responding to big questions from little children is tough, and although this guide is very helpful, not everything is one size fits all. If you need help with supporting your child(ren) during this time, Hearts Connected connects families to Certified Child Life Specialists who are experts in supporting children through complex medical experiences. Hearts Connected provides parent support phone calls or one-on-one therapeutic video sessions for kids. You don’t have to tackle these big questions alone! To book a session click here.

Thank you to Hearts Connected for contributing this blog post! We are so excited to be partnered with Hearts Connected, an organization dedicated to kids, teen's, and their families' mental health.