Cancer Parents
By Joanna Hathaway, MPH
My sister has three sons, now nine, eleven, and fourteen. We call her household “the factory,” because of the relentless and almost 24-hour production cycle required to keep clothes clean, meals eaten, school notes signed, babysitters scheduled, screens turned off (“I said OFF”) …you get it. There is almost no room for error: something as small as a work meeting running late can break the delicate system that, at best, runs on will power and sleep deprivation.
My sister does not have a cancer diagnosis, but I think of the factory every time a mom comes into my office having just learned she does. While there are plenty of existential fears and end of life scenarios that loom when the word cancer is invoked, the very first thought many young parents have is more along the lines of “WTF? I don’t have time for this!” Louder, even, than the scary swirl of emotions, is a deeply practical voice proclaiming that the factory is already running at full capacity—there is no room for a new and terrible cancer job.
“While there are plenty of existential fears and end of life scenarios that loom when the word cancer is invoked, the very first thought many young parents have is more along the lines of ‘WTF? I don’t have time for this!’”
These panicked parnts aren’t wrong: it is near impossible to get through cancer treatment without some pretty serious changes in the factory structure. That said, through working with lots of insightful and wise parents in cancer treatment, I have learned some techniques to mitigate these adjustments, sometimes even inviting positive and meaningful change for you and your family. Here are a few ideas:
Enlist help from your children
Part of the reason illness is so scary for children (and frankly, for adults) is because of how helpless they feel. By discussing with them what they are able to do to help, you are giving them control and inclusion. When a dreaded chore list turns into helping mom get better, it can be empowering for everyone. Don’t dismiss the skills of the younger ones, either: one of my patients had a 4-year-old daughter who was responsible for asking mommy if she wanted the door open or closed and the heater on or off. She took her two jobs very seriously and Mom always got rest at the perfect temperature.
Make healthy routines
The hardest part of many healthy habits is the decision to do them—sure, we all know we should exercise, but in the moment where you have to put on shoes and leave the house, it gets a little harder. By making “pre-decisions,” you don’t have to fight with yourself about going for a walk, it’s just what you do after dinner. New routines can help you stay on track in watching your health, as well as helping establish some structure for your family in chaotic times. Pick routines that will be fun so that the adoption process of these new habits is easy. Some ideas include: 5 minutes of meditation, walk after dinner, fruit for dessert, herbal tea-time after school.
Find the time hacks
Energy is a scarce resource during cancer treatment—and you’ll want to spend it as carefully as possible. Think about how you spend time during the week and consider what might be outsourced, combined, or eliminated to make things easier. Here are some ideas:
Order more things online to avoid going to stores (Amazon, Instacart, Target, Walmart, Costco, and lots of national grocery chains deliver!)
Get help with cleaning either by paying for a service or by letting your friends know that a scrubbed kitchen is way better than a taco casserole.
When you have the energy, cook in bulk. Specifically, you can make and freeze soups and stews, prep all the veggies at once and leave them in bags or Tupperware for future meals, make 5 school lunches on Sunday night.
Widen Your Lens
I see so much guilt and anxiety in parents going through cancer, because they can’t be the parents they used to be. But, as one mom said, “when I stopped and thought about it, I realized that my kid would still be a pretty awesome even if I couldn’t get him to turn in his book report.” Relaxing expectations on your own parenting may give you extra energy to focus on the bigger picture—so make sure if you are working up a parenting lather, the situation requires it. Sometimes it’s really ok to let a few things slip: no kid was harmed by the occasional cereal for dinner, missed piano lesson, or bad spelling test, and they certainly aren’t less lovable for it.
Joanna Hathaway, MPH
I facilitate cancer support groups at Kaiser Permanente San Rafael, and am so grateful for all the wise patients I learn from. Many of KPs support services are open to patients outside of the Kaiser network. Please don’t hesitate to reach out with questions, comments, or for support. joanna.s.hathaway@kp.org